For example, put your child's needs first! Whether you are the legal parent and believe that your ex-partner should not visit your child, or the second parent seeking to maintain a relationship, make your child's emotional needs - not yours - your highest priority. It's hard to find a consistent thread in the parentage cases, but there are some things that seem only right when you are facing a breakup that involves kids. Not only does the law change rapidly, but the outcome of any particular dispute can depend on which judge hears the case. Here, more than any other area of same-sex family law, it's critically important that before making decisions or taking action relating to your kids, you get advice from a skilled and knowledgeable attorney who knows the law and is familiar with your local judges. However, courts in some states have recognized second parents on the basis of their intent to conceive and raise children, or their established relationships with those children. These parents also rarely have any financial obligations to their partners' children, although in most contested situations the second parent would be glad to help out financially. Often, there is no way to seek visitation either. In many states, second parents have no rights whatsoever, and cannot seek either legal or physical custody. Generally speaking, it doesn't matter why the second parent isn't a legal parent (whether it's because you live in a state where there's no relationship recognition and second-parent adoption isn't available, or because the legal parent wouldn't agree). If only one of you is the child's legal parent, things will be different. (To learn more about the general rules that apply to determining child custody, see " Child Custody." If Only One of You Is the Legal Parent
Where both parents have equal legal rights, child-related disputes should be handled just as they are for a straight divorce, where a judge will consider a variety of factors to determine the outcome that is in the best interests of the child. The two of you jointly adopted the child.The nonbiological or nonadoptive parent adopted the child through a second-parent or stepparent adoption, or established a parent-child relationship through a parentage action.The child was born into a marriage, registered domestic partnership, or civil union in a state where the relationship confers parental rights on a nonbiological parent.If Both of You Are Legal Parentsīoth partners may be legal parents of the child for any of the following reasons: This article provides a summary of the basic rules. The specific rules for child custody and visitation differ from state to state and continue to be in flux with regard to gay parents. If you can agree on the issues of legal custody (who makes decisions about the child), physical custody (where the child lives), visitation (how often and under what conditions the noncustodial parent spends time with the child), and child support (the noncustodial parent's contribution to the costs of raising the child), you will save yourselves - and your kids - a great deal of distress.Īnd if you can't reach a resolution yourselves? Then you will have to submit your disputes to the legal system. You will only harm your child in the process, as well as bring on mountains of agony for yourselves. Whatever you do, try to avoid a parentage or custody battle in court. Try to reach a resolution through talking together, in therapy, or with the help of a custody mediator – and remember that if you take your custody dispute to court, you're likely to be ordered to mediation anyway. Lesbian and gay parents are truly forging new territory - which is fine when you are in the mood to be a revolutionary, but not necessarily so when all you want to do is spend the day with your child.īecause of all these pressures and uncertainties, it is vital that you do everything you can to reach a compromise on all child-related issues.
Making matters even messier, the legal rules change constantly.
The law - both as it is written and as it is practiced - can be very unfair to same-sex parents. If you are splitting up with a same-sex partner and you have children, you are likely to face some difficult challenges.